An open letter to Anthony Weiner


Hey Tony, bro. Brohan. Carlos-meister. We need to talk. I’m here to give you a cold dose of reality. I’m going to tell you why you should drop out of the race for Mayor, and I’ve got a fantastic back up plan for you.

I don’t think you were really cut out for politics after all. Do us all a favor, Huma especially, and just give it up. Your Congressional career was mediocre at best. Really, what is your legacy? Sponsoring a bill to get visas for models? No, you are remembered for your furious, passionate outbursts on the House floor. That’s why all those women messaged you. Do you think they care about your positions on global warming? Or health care? No, they want that fury unleashed. And running New York City is the easiest way to kill that fury.

You don’t want to spend the next four years dealing with city bureaucracy. The unions, the bicycle advocates, mass transit, schools, fighting the intractable dysfunction of Albany. It’s one black hole after another Anthony, and you will never get the worship or recognition you so clearly crave.

So here’s my suggestion. Drop out of the race immediately and take some time off. People will counsel you to find redemption in a cable news outlet. But that’s not for you Anthony. Do you really want to spend the next two or three years working side by side with those sourpusses at MSNBC? You are so much better than Rachel, Al and Ed. They don’t have your passion. Instead, you should start a podcast, or better yet, go to satellite radio, where you will be uncensored. Howard Stern is retiring in another two years, and you could easily position yourself as his heir.

Just imagine the platform you would have. You could talk and rage about anything – sports, politics, business. Influential people from all walks of American life would clamor to appear on your show. And guess what else? Shock jocks love to have hot girls in their studio for all sorts of ridiculous reasons. And Anthony, that is what you really want: an opportunity to rage about and influence current events, and the hot girls who would worship you. I can just see you, in some Ed Hardy gear, an enormous Mets baseball cap on your head, as you pivot from grilling a political or business figure, to coaxing a hot girl to take off her top for you.  And who else would be a better sidekick for you than Uncle Chuck’s niece, the stand up comedian Amy Schumer?

As for Huma, you should just let her go. She seems like an intelligent, respectable woman, with a very bright future in Mrs. Clinton’s White House. If your foibles derail her career, her resentment of you will become unbearable. Plus, I can’t imagine her very conservative family is rooting for you. She’ll find a good, decent man to take care of her.

So it’s all up to you now Tony. You should let your freak flag fly, and just be your authentic self.